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Self Care

When #selfcare first started trending, I fully welcomed it because many women believe their worth to be tied up with their productivity and in always going the extra mile for others. We (and I include myself in this!) are taught to wear the resulting self-neglect like a badge of honour, a signifier of our self-sacrifice, the latter being a trait we have been taught to value since childhood. On the flip side, we were also taught that paying any attention to ourselves was selfish. Checking in with and paying attention to your mental, emotional and physical well-being, does not correlate to “a lack of consideration” or “only thinking of yourself”. Practicing self-care means you are acknowledging your SELF and including that self among those you care for.

I must regularly work with my female clients in therapy on adjusting some untrue beliefs held about practicing self-care, and these often follow some variation of the following:

1. Self-care is Expensive

Contrary to this popular opinion, self-care does not have to be expensive. It’s not necessary to book an at-home massage or a private chef or to overindulge in retail therapy. It can be as simple as stepping outside your home for 10 minutes and taking deep breaths, observing your surroundings or the changes in the neighbourhood. You could even take a weekend afternoon to watch a movie or funny TikTok videos, read a book or take a nap. There’s no need to leave your house and no need to spend a cent, self-care is about simply validating your own existence and executing tangible care for yourself.

2. Self-care Takes A Lot of Time

You could take a two-week vacation if you wanted or were able to, but if you wanted to incorporate some balancing self-care, it can fit into as little as 10 to 30 minutes. One of the quickest suggestions I have is to make your favourite drink (tea, hot chocolate or a cocktail) or fix yourself a snack, take it to a window and simply take your time to enjoy it. The aim is to be completely present in the moment (aka being mindful) you have crafted for yourself. If time is tight, I suggest that my clients set a timer or let the break last as long as it takes to finish the drink or snack, or the small activity they’ve decided on.

3. Self Care = Laziness

I find this belief to often be well-concealed resistance to self-care. The idea of taking time in which you do “nothing” and produce no tangible results seems incomprehensible to many of us, particularly for women, who are usually assigned the role of the homemaker and family caretaker. Our conditioning tells us that our worth is correlated to our productivity, so the goal is to always do more in less time, and to prove our value by being more efficient and racking up more and more achievements.  However, to consciously dedicate time to yourself in the name of self-care, actually ensures that you’re able to keep going and to better keep up with your responsibilities and obligations.

When we are children, engaged parents/caretakers ensure that we are well-rested, well-fed, mentally stimulated and emotionally supported. As we get older and start to wrestle with how complicated life can be, the little things fall away. Our diet becomes less balanced, physical activity diminishes and we stop doing things just for fun.

However, over the last two years, we have been inundated with confessions from people all over the world, who could no longer pretend that life was easy, nor could they maintain the constant “do more” mentality and lifestyle that is touted as the surest and quickest way to success and security. I think when people are beginning to enter a crisis state, some newer instinct tries to signal us to brake, but we’ve trained ourselves to ignore that feeling and to keep pushing through.

When I work with women in our therapy sessions, my focus is to guide them to the realization that more pushing is not what is needed in these circumstances. What is needed is the gentle establishment of new beliefs such as:

1. You are worthy

Of self-care and many of the things that contribute to your well-being. Many women have the mindset that self-care needs to be earned and it is only to be initiated on the brink of exhaustive collapse. But you are worthy right now, in this moment – whether you completed your “to-do” list today or are still working on significant goals, you are worthy, right now, of doing something kind and restorative for yourself. Something that your future self will thank you for.

2. Self-care is Essential

This is a belief I tend to drive home for my clients. It can be easy to dismiss or delay anything that looks or feels like self-care because we don’t immediately see the benefits, particularly when we have deadlines looming and family and friends to care for. But I look at regular self-care as a hygiene routine and just like you brush your teeth every day to take care of them and ward off decay, regular self-care does the same for your mental and emotional state. It can be every day, or twice a week or twice a month, whatever frequency works for you, but I highly recommend fitting self-care into your calendar and sticking to it.

3. Feelings are Valid

We tend to pay attention to our body’s signals that something needs to change or that we are juggling too many balls, only on the verge of disaster. I teach my therapy clients to pay attention to those feelings as early as possible. We experience these as an internal guide to our mental and emotional states, and despite hustle culture’s demonization of catering to our feelings, they still serve as essential guides. I am not advocating living strictly by our feelings (emotions are a different thing), but I do heartily endorse exploring our internal dialogue and body signals.

Self-care will look different for everyone, here are some suggestions for you to tweak into your current routine:

• Scroll time – it’s best to keep this one on a strict time limit as it can run away with you, but catching up on trends, memes and pop culture can be a nice break for your brain. Do not use this if you are fighting it as a bad habit.
• Meal, snack or wine – make yourself or your loved ones something delicious or buy your favourite wine and make sure to savour it slowly.
• Beauty treats – whether it’s an actual spa or an evening at home, opt to deep condition your hair, do your nails, try a new hairstyle or pile on the skincare.
• Hobbies – if you’ve been meaning to try something new or get back to something old, fit it in as a self-care date.
• Exercise – think of this in terms of chemistry. When you exercise at a moderate intensity, for even a short period of time, the brain releases those feel-good endorphins, and all you need to do is move the body to sweat for just 20 minutes a day.
• Cuddle time – some of us are very responsive to physical touch, so a good cuddle from a loved one or a pet can help settle our nerves and increase feelings of security that can combat feelings of overwhelm and even sadness.
• Conversation – Get in touch with friends and family, ask how they’re doing, really listen and then share how you’re doing too.

If none of these resonate with you or you are unsure if it will help, I encourage you to use my free consultation service to reach out: let’s talk about how you can start to build a plan of action to attend to your mental and emotional health.