Blog

Boundaries

Hi, my name is Neola and I am a recovering people pleaser and boundary ignorer. It may be strange to hear that a therapist has ever had to struggle with this particular problem, but when I say that you are never alone in the challenges you experience, I mean it.

My entire life changed (as dramatic as that sounds, it did!) when I started building healthy boundaries: and understanding what boundaries are, and establishing and enforcing them in healthy ways are some of my favourite things to teach my clients (and to continue practicing for myself).

For most women, including my clients, the concept of boundaries is so foreign that it elicits either a negative or blank response. In the case of the former, many girls are socialised to be agreeable and to prioritise the comfort of others – this usually morphs into a people-pleasing mindset, which is one very common manifestation of porous (too open) boundaries. Since the priority is to ensure that everyone else is happy and feeling ‘good’, people-pleasers have no boundaries in place to check in with themselves, so it can be confusing when feelings of irritation and resentment start to form. Another concept in boundary work that makes women feel resistance is the belief that having boundaries means we need to be aggressive or confrontational – in fact, the most common misconception is that boundaries are there to keep others out when they are really there to keep you “in” or on track.

Here are a few other myths about boundaries:

1. If I establish boundaries, people will leave me
Perhaps you worry that people will leave when you have to enforce a boundary and tell them “no”, or that they will just find a way to get what they want from someone else. This can range from saying no to attending a family gathering or refusing to lend money to a friend. In reality, boundaries do not mean saying no to everything – more than likely you will only be saying no in specific circumstances: circumstances that make you feel uncomfortable and/or could be harmful. You are free to explain your boundaries to those you care for, but even if you do not, should they choose to weaponise their attention and affection, it should validate your decision to hold fast to your boundaries in order to resist this and other acts of manipulation.

2. I’m being mean when I have a boundary
Many women are deeply uncomfortable with the idea of being perceived as “bad”, unapproachable or aggressive, and the enforcement of boundaries is seen as a surefire way to earn those labels. Because many women are conditioned to acquiesce, and to go along to get along, this is in direct conflict with enforcing boundaries with other people. I want to encourage you to not only view boundary setting through the lens of saying no to someone but rather, saying yes to yourself. Additionally, acknowledge that boundaries do not mean that you are going out of your way to disrupt the plans and intentions of others; it means that you are free to decline if you are approached with a proposal or request that does not align with you. Your fellow adults should not take this as licence to label you as difficult and uncooperative, and even if they do, that is a belief that they now hold, it is not your obligation to adopt this belief.

3. Boundaries are only for me
Saying no to any request that rubs us the wrong way, walking away from relationships that don’t totally serve us, not explaining ourselves to others when we change our boundaries and behaviour – these have made the rounds in popular culture in the conversation about boundaries … and they’re all wrong.

These beliefs are dangerous: they ignore the fact that healthy boundaries are a two-way street and that loving, healthy relationships require sacrifice and reciprocity – we must also respect others’ boundaries, acknowledge that our relationships cannot fulfil us 100% of the time, and certainly drastic changes in behaviour require some hard conversations to be had if we want peace.

So let us discuss what setting boundaries actually looks like:

1. Taking a hard look at yourself
In addition to reflecting on which boundaries people have stepped on, we must consider which of those we break for ourselves. We may be surprised to realize that they are often the same! We may also come to the unpleasant realization that we continuously step on the boundaries set for us by different people in our lives.

2. No “checking out”
When you stop checking out and begin acknowledging your feelings, resentments and hidden thoughts, this choice to instead honour them sets a foundation for your further work in building healthy boundaries.

3. Consciously working on it
Here’s a hard but helpful truth: setting boundaries feels awful, and will continue to feel awful for some time. Do it anyway! Fear tells us that if something is hard we should avoid it, but these are often the things that we need to do for a happy, healthy life.

The more we practice, the less uncomfortable it feels, I promise.

If the concept of boundaries is completely foreign to you, here are some examples of how they can look:

• Time – not accepting calls or responding to messages after work hours. If you can, set your own on and off times and stick to them to teach people (and yourself) that you are not always available.
• Money – curb impulse spending by placing items on a wish-list for a set period before
  buying.
• Mental Health – if a request makes you uncomfortable, know that it is enough to say no, explanations are optional.
• Sexual Interactions – even if you are attracted to the person propositioning you, if you are not ready to engage, maintain the boundary that you wait until you reach a certain level of comfort (even and especially if they threaten to withdraw).
• Mental space – limit the consumption of negative, distressing or upsetting social media, movies, music or news.

Every area of my life changed for the better when I realized that I had terrible boundaries and set out on a journey to build better ones. On this (still continuing) journey, I cried, felt guilty, doubted myself, felt empowered, confident and at peace…sometimes simultaneously! In my private clinical practice, a lack of healthy boundaries consistently shows up as a major challenge to my client’s peace and their relationship (with themselves and others).

I have linked the Corie Sheppard Podcast (you can also listen to the podcast on Spotify) where we discuss boundaries and how to bring them into life in some detail, so check it out, and if you would like to work with me, feel free to book a free consultation call to get started.